Go the Fk to Sleep!
by Jadespade
Summary: Captain Haddock reads Baby!Tintin a new bedtime story. It doesn't end well.


**(A/N: The book Captain Haddock reads is actually a real, published book.)**

The baby cooed and giggled as Captain Haddock laid him down on the crib. "Time for bed, Tintin." he said. The boy reached a chubby hand over to his bookshelf. "Oh, you want to read a bedtime story?" Captain Haddock said.

"Goo goo gah!" Tintin replied, sticking his thumb in his mouth and sucking on it.

"All right, lad, Uncle Cuthbert here gave you a new book called _Go the_... uh... _Fuck_ _to Sleep_. Why he thinks this is for kids, I have no idea. Maybe we'll read another story-" Tintin started wailing and tried to grab the book. "Okay, okay, we'll read this one, blistering barnacles."

Captain Haddock looked at the cover, which had a boy sleeping peacefully with a group of tigers in the moonlight. "_Go the Fuck to Sleep_. By Adam Mansbach." Tintin sat down, still sucking his thumb, and stared attentively at the Captain with giant blue eyes. He turned to find a page with a blonde-haired little girl sleeping with three cats.

_"The cats nestle close to their kittens now, _  
_The lambs have laid down with the sheep._  
_You are cozy and warm in your bed, my dear_  
_Please go the fuck to sleep."_

Captain Haddock glanced at the boy, hoping that he was asleep. No such luck. He turned the page to see a hillside town by the sea in the bright moonlight.

_"__The windows are dark in the town, child  
__The whales huddled down in the deep.  
__I'll read you one very last book if you swear  
__You'll go the fuck to sleep.__"_

Captain Haddock cleared his throat and continued to read, his sonorous voice enunciating every syllable clearly. The next picture showed a boy who was dreaming that he was in a snowy forest with the northern lights lighting the sky.

_"The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest_  
_And the creatures who run, crawl and creep._  
_I know you're not thirsty, that's bullshit, stop lying!_  
_Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep."_

_Why did Cuthbert give me this book to read to Tintin? That absentminded bashi-bazouk probably grabbed a random book, thundering typhoons! _On the next page, a mouse was sound asleep by a clump of green grass.

_"The wind whispers soft through the grass_  
_The field mice, they make not a peep._  
_It's been 38 minutes already, Jesus Christ_  
_What the fuck? Go to sleep!"_

Cuss words and all, the book seemed to be working. Tintin started to yawn as he blinked his eyes. Captain Haddock decided to read one more verse, just for good measure. The next page had a baby boy crawling on some lily pads.

_"All the kids from daycare are in dreamland_  
_The froggy has made his last leap._  
_Hell no, you can't go to the bathroom_  
_You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep!"_

Was Tintin actually asleep? Captain Haddock slowly closed the book, not wanting to get his hopes up. Finally confirming it, he leaned over to plant a kiss on the baby's forehead. Bad idea. Tintin's blue eyes opened again. "BLISTERING BARNACLES! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO TO SLEEP?" Captain Haddock ranted. The boy giggled, putting a slobbery thumb in his mouth again. Captain Haddock sighed and opened the book again to a page with desert owls flying in the sunset.

_"The owls fly forth from the treetops_  
_Through the air they soar and they sweep._  
_The hot, crimson rage fills my heart, love_  
_For real: shut the fuck up and sleep."_

"You see these lions, Tintin?" Captain Haddock asked, pointing to them on the page. Tintin cooed and grabbed Captain Haddock's black beard and tugged on it. "OW! BLUE BLISTERING BARNACLES!" He rubbed his aching chin and said, "Be like these lions, and go to sleep, please?" Tintin merely grinned. Captain Haddock groaned and continued reading.

_"The cubs and the lions are snoring,_  
_Wrapped in a big, snuggly heap._  
_How come you can do all this other great shit_  
_But you can't lie the fuck down and sleep?_

_The seeds slumber beneath the earth now_  
_And the crops that the farmers will reap._  
_No more questions, this interview's over._  
_I've got two words for you, kid: fucking sleep!_

_The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle._  
_The sparrow has silenced her cheep_  
_Fuck your stuffed bear, I'm not getting you shit._  
_Close your eyes, cut the crap: sleep._

_Flowers doze low in the meadows_  
_And high on the mountains so steep._  
_My life is a failure, I'm a shitty ass parent._  
_Stop fucking with me please, and sleep."_

Captain Haddock sneaked a glance at the boy, praying that he had finally fallen asleep. He hadn't. Tintin's bright blue eyes were still transfixed on Captain Haddock's face.

_"The giant pangolins of Madagascar are snoozing._  
_As I lie here and openly weep._  
_Sure, fine, whatever, I'll bring you some milk._  
_Who the fuck cares? You're not gonna sleep._

_This room is all I can remember._  
_The furniture crappy and cheap._  
_You win! You escape, you run down the hall._  
_As I nod the fuck off and sleep._

_Bleary and dazed I awaken_  
_To find your eyes shut, so I keep_  
_My fingers crossed tight, as I tiptoe away_  
_And pray that you're fucking asleep._

_We're finally watching our movie._  
_Popcorn's in the microwave. _Beep.  
_Oh shit, goddamn it, you've got to be kidding._  
_Come on, go the fuck back to sleep!"_

Finally, after an hour of reading, Tintin was asleep. Blue. Blistering. Barnacles. Captain Haddock silently left the room and closed the door. Now he could actually sleep himself! And he was never going to read this damned book again. Captain Haddock collapsed on the bed, exhausted. He hadn't even closed his eyes when he heard the telephone ringing. Captain Haddock groaned and picked it up. It was another person asking for lamb chops from that goddamned Cutts the Butcher. He promptly hung up and lumbered back to his room. He heard giggling coming from Tintin's room. "BLUE BLISTERING BARNACLES IN TEN THOUSAND THUNDERING TYPHOONS! GO BACK TO SLEEP!"


End file.
